Exposure to bullying, violence, or unkindness in the family home can lead to a lifetime of concern. It has taken a lot of bottle for me to make this condensed post. I am a reserved sort of person (legacy of childhood, among others). I do not speak of my early family life.
However, this post response is to a particular message I received about family problems. (Please seek professional Help).
The Invisible People
When you are a young child growing in a family environment and areas of life go wrong. There can be valid reasons that do not appear obvious to you as a child for the continued disruption to your life. Over time resentment may force you to side with either one of your parents, guardian/carers.
However, blaming yourself is more common than you may think. If you were a young child at the time you may copy what you saw taking it in to adulthood believing the behavior normal. It is not uncommon for young adults to suffer flashbacks of their experience. These flashbacks can occur even in adulthood.
A few Charities come to mind.
- Action For Children Family Support Volunteers Central North Tyneside.
- Their Mantra Is: To help families overcome their difficulties and live happier lives together. Early years and family support. You can find them with the link above, or contact them by telephone.
- Families Matter
- Newcastle upon Tyne
- Lindfield Avenue, Blakelaw
- Telephone 0191 214 2460
Impact Family Services South Tyneside charity
They supports every member of the family to break the cycle of domestic abuse. Helping families and young people from the impacts of harmful relationships.
If you suffer any kind of abuse you can call them in confidence Mon to Fri (9am – 5pm on 07375 788 835
One In Four North and South London Based
Specialise in supporting childhood survivors and current survivors of sexual violence, domestic violence, abuse and trauma and raising awareness of this challenging issue. You can contact them with the link above.
Safe Net is a North West based Charity
They will Help You Live a Life Free From Domestic Abuse. They also offer live chat available everyday. You can connect with them using the link above.
My Snippet Of Survival
This is just a little snippet of a particular time in my life growing up as a child of the 1950’s and 60’s. Did it affect me as an adult. Yes, it did and still does.
For what its worth a mantra of mine comes to mind. “When In The Presence Of The Present. Remember, You Are Also In The Presence Of Change. It is up to you how you deal with it.”
Back in the early 1950 60’s, I was on my way to being a teenager. Mum had very little money; our family lived on whatever Dad gave her to run the house. He kept most of his wages for himself, spending them at the local pub, which he called “his home from home.” Raising five children on such a tight budget was incredibly challenging for Mum..
Why? Well, my Dad held onto some very old Victorian beliefs, or perhaps it was the trauma of being a Desert Rat in World War II. I can only imagine the horrors he and his troop witnessed in the name of war.
The Dessert Rats were a nickname given to British soldiers, particularly those serving in the North African Campaign during World War II. The name originated from their reputation for toughness and resilience in the harsh desert environment.
Death To Close For Comfort
What little I know is men in his branch of the army fought in the dessert in Africa and needed to be brutal when it came to survival. He once told me that one of his trench buddies – his term for friends – was killed just ten feet away, his head blown off. He never spoke about his experiences again to me or anyone else as far as I am aware.
Combat Stress is the UK’s leading veterans’ mental health charity. They believe military trauma shouldn’t destroy the lives of veterans and their families. If you or someone in your family could benefit from their help check out their website.
Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard
Before Dad’s death in the 1980’s, he worked as a Coal Miner and worked various hours known back then as back-shift and day shift. This meant that when he was on day shift we were packed off to bed at six o’clock every evening before he got home. It was no fun being sent to bed when you can hear your schoolmates playing in the street.
Now you could say young children needed to be watched over… Well, not in this instant. Young children Yes, we were school children who wanted to play with their schoolmates not be sent to bed incredibly early. My dad wanted us off the floor and in bed. before he got home from work, and what dad wanted he usually got..
At that time I had two brothers and two sisters myself making five. Dad believed children should be seen but not heard. Weekends were the worst. He’d come home late, usually drunk and in a foul mood.
If we defied him and he caught us still awake instead of in bed, Mum would get the blame. We tried our best to avoid that, but sometimes forgetfulness happened.
A Man of Two Faces
Outside the home, Dad was well-known for his kindness and helpfulness. He’d do anything for anyone. This was true. But within our own walls, he was a completely different person. He was violent, abusive, quick to anger and a Prolific liar, and a few others things I’m not about to speak of.
He particularly liked to target one of my brothers, who was two years younger than me. As I became older less afraid of him I felt I could not stand by and let it happen. I often had to intervene, dragging Dad off him before things escalated further. Thinking to myself “I will not turn-out like him”. As I got older I sensed he was unlikely to turn on me.
This affected me badly. I often thought my brothers and sisters thought I was fathers little blue eyed boy. I know who was, and it wasn’t me. I learned the reason behind my no violence sensing from Mum as I got older, maybe my elder sister also knew. I have never asked nor will I. The subject is now closed. As an adult I have made peace with Father and I got on with the rest of my life.
You might say if he was violent why didn’t mum leave him and take us, kids, with her. Back then, life was different, and most adults believed that children should be seen and not heard. Which ultimately meant It was not our concern and to say nothing. – Sadly I believe that still applies today for some adults.
There also was a little matter of mum and dad being married in a Catholic church mum being a Catholic and dad converting to the religion. Mum believed that when you got married it was for life.
Years Later
Much later in life sometime after my fathers death, mum did mention that she had thought about leaving him but her religious beliefs and her own mother got in the way. In my mind religion and a mother have a lot to answer for.
Mum, on the other hand, was a loving, kind person and would do a good turn for anyone but was also a reserved woman. She did everything she could for us, often going without herself. The only affection I or any of us received was from mum, though it was scarce. I believe now, looking back, Mum’s difficulty expressing love in the family home stemmed from the mental abuse, and emotional neglect she endured during her marriage to Dad.
The Pain of Loss
Tragically, that same brother died many years later from a ruptured brain aneurysm. He was on the phone with his wife, complaining of a terrible headache, when he suddenly collapsed. He never got to hang up. Even if they’d made it to the hospital in time, there was nothing that could have been done – William was only 42.
I often wonder if the years of head trauma he endured as a child contributed toward his death. We had a falling out shortly before he died, but we always reconciled eventually. I still regret that we didn’t make up this time.
Between my brothers and sisters, I always felt the closest to William. We never got a chance to make up for our argument I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. He was on life support and already dead. When I got to the hospital. I noticed a nurse must have shaved him before the family got to see him and left dried blood on his chin. Even now 2024 his loss still deeply affects me. I still miss him, always will. Rest easy brother.
In Post Image by Mote Oo Education from Pixabay
Note:
The posting of this snippet of my early life I sincerely hope will help others to deal with trauma in childhood, and show without actually saying so, it is possible to survive abuse and come out the other end as a thinking, understanding human who will if possible try to walk in others footsteps, or to use another phrase “The Road Less traveled.” Your message has been deleted as requested. (Shahd 2024)